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21-Jul-2017 08:32

Mom begins yelling—a new habit since she and Dad split—about how I was never on her side. After thinking I'd finally reached a plateau of forgiveness, I'm right back to where I started, as angry as I've been time and again in the months before. "Donna, this is my middle daughter, Brooke." We say hello. I want her to ask me about my writing or my recent trip to Africa, but she doesn't.She says Dad could do anything he wanted and she was persecuted for every decision she made. Grieving in circles this way keeps you from moving on. Like me, I think, and for some reason that notion comforts me. Then I make a joke about her brother's teeth, and Mom takes it personally.Yet when my parents announced they were separating, I felt as if the world had collapsed in on me.There was the realization that home would never be the same.A piece of me will always be preserved in those walls, in the shadows that dance across my childhood bedroom at dusk.

She hugs me hard, rocks me, and says, "I'm sorry you ever thought I stopped." I read once that moving on is the period in which the knot of your grief is untied.Two summers after my parents separated, I visit home for a week. Before arriving at Aunt Junie's I imagined either I would immediately hate my father's girlfriend and refuse ever to see her again, or I would love her. To see Dad kiss another woman is like watching a scene from my very own version of The Twilight Zone.Mom and I take a drive out on the east end of Long Island where I grew up, stopping at farm stands and antiques shops. As I sit talking to her, I realize Donna lands somewhere in the middle. Two years into the divorce I still avoid spending time alone with Mom.It has been raining since morning."You look like a drowned rat," Dad says, laughing, as he walks toward me. "This divorce has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do," Mom says calmly. I'm learning how to be alone again." I'd never heard Mom sound so vulnerable and honest—which makes me listen closely. Mom moves toward me and stretches out her hand, then pulls it back.

"Sometimes I just don't know how to be around you anymore," she says.You never want to hear it, Brooke, but your father, your perfect father, wants to screw me out of everything." Then she started crying.



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